I guess the most important thing I would like people to know is that I am a feeler not a visual person. Since childhood, I have became acquainted with the empathic soul that resides within. It has taken many years to fully understand why I see and feel things differently than others. My journey hasn’t been an ideal one and at 52, I am the most confident that I have ever been. My self worth, identity, ability to protect myself has taken many years of work and a lot of positive self talk. Daily looking in the mirror into my eyes and reaffirming that I am AMAZING has given me the courage to believe that I have a place on this beautiful planet. For many years as a child, I questioned my existence. That’s unfortunately the result of babies being born to parents with no plan.
My childhood does not offer me warm memories to revisit. Thinking back, I never really knew where my siblings and I fit. Yes, we survived but at what cost. We all have some issues as adults and that’s a direct result of the cruel world we were born into. I’m not blaming my parents but sometimes, I do wonder…What were they thinking? They had so many babies and quickly. Neither of them had finished high school and our mother was very neglectful. Our father had no patience, which between the two..left five little kids with no one. My father was abusive as well. His belt was the first thing he grabbed when one of us stepped out of line. I can still picture him lining us all up on the sofa. If we didn’t tattle on each other, we all took the beating. So many horrible scary memories that added to a list that made me leave home at 15. For many years, I felt such guilt for leaving. Over time though, the truth became aware to me. I saved myself by leaving.
At 17, I joined the USAF. I have never looked back. The life that brought me so much pain as a child, was one I left behind. Kids in my high school couldn’t hurt me anymore with their teasing. Being poor is something I will never forget because it gave so many kids that had more, a reason to be cruel. My number one goal on graduating high school was to flee and I did. I left my home, my state of Alabama and never looked back.
My biggest regret if I had one would be the fact that no one ever cared enough to educate us about college. We just never got that talk and now at 52, I am taking classes. I have done many things in my life but getting a college degree somehow means that I have become someone. Isn’t that kinda sad? I honestly don’t need it at this age but my self worth still feels like it needs it. I’ve always heard that “Knowledge is Power”, “No one can take it away from you”. I just want to be proud of me. No one else on this planet needs to but at the end of my life, I want to have tried. I am not one to give up, nor not work hard. I have been a soldier, a fitness instructor, a personal trainer, a court clerk, a gate agent, a tax examiner, and a barista…I give my all to the job in front of me and excel. Writing is something that I have always loved also. This Blog is just my way of releasing emotions and connecting to others that have had similar experiences.
We come into this world taking our first breathe and will leave taking our last one. I recognize how amazing I am at this beautiful point in my life and believe me that has taken many years. I have apologized to the young girl inside so many times that I didn’t protect her from so much cruelty. It’s my goal as a writer to inspire people to wake up and connect with your loved ones, your friends, care enough to offer a helping hand to a stranger…Life doesn’t have to be what has happened to you BUT truly…Did you learn, did you evolve, did you wake up, will you stay the same, will you change the path you’re on to do better, will you break a cycle???
I am not the weak girl anymore that is afraid. I also realize that I don’t need a man in my life to complete me and that I’m complete just the way I am. Yes, I’ve been married twice and divorced. They don’t define who I am. I wish both of them the most wonderful lives also. It would drain me energy wise to carry such negativity for them around and my kids are happier this way.
I am a much happier version of myself now. I hope that my blog will bring you some laughter and topics to connect on. Please keep reading.