Starting Over at 50

How many out there are like myself?  I just went through my 2nd divorce and I didn’t have a fucking party either.  What’s this all about?  I feel cheated:) I am now 50 and this starting over is scary.  At this point in my life, I just didn’t see myself alone, nor being a single mom.  I still believe that marriage to the right person can be wonderful, even with the ups and downs that life may throw at you.  However, neither of mine were like that.  They resembled rocky road ice cream, you just never knew what you were going to get and that’s not the union that I wanted  for the rest of my life.  Looking back now, I would have told the younger me to go to college, focus on your dreams, hang out girl friends, and learn to swim:) But no, my brain had shut down and hormones were driving the bus.  I fell hook line and sinker for this confident, suave, and mysterious young hottie.

Our marriage was like a roller coaster and 16 yrs too freaking long.  It didn’t take long for me to see through his confidence and get to the real person.  The way he hid it from others was so hard to watch.  It was truly unsettling.  His insecurities weren’t the only broken part of our marriage.   I also had my own insecurities and this combined with his was just adding fuel to the fire.  We rubbed each other the wrong way with every word that we uttered to each other.  Even after the verbal abuse turned physical,  I still wouldn’t leave!!  Inside of me, I was still this little girl who was scared of not being wanted.  How fucked is that???  I took so much shit from this person.  I allowed myself to be treated less than out of fear…ugh…it still sickens and saddens me to think back to those years.  My 2nd marriage was somewhat better but still out of fear, I once again allowed emotional abuse to occur. 

I guess you could say that it took 2 failed marriages for me to find my strength within myself.  It may sound weird but I’ve always loved my spirit.  I have a kindness that draws people of all ages to me.  It’s not something that I’m bragging about, it just happens.  I feel this energy inside of me around certain people and before long I have a new friend.  My kids and others have witnessed this.  It’s not something that I try to prevent anymore.  I used to because my ex’s both thought I was odd.  Now, I don’t have to please them any longer.  I can be me at 50 and radiate my energy to whomever beams it back.  I am truly enjoying getting to know this spirit inside of me and embracing it.  Life has a way of introducing you back to yourself and it feels so beautiful.  Moving forward in my future, I’m going to breathe a lot easier and know that my dreams matter.  I no longer have to be submissive to another and ignore my own calling in life.

About the Author

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Single Mom, former USAF soldier, fitness instructor, personal trainer, loves life, loves people. My goal in life is to spread positivity and show others that there is a better way.

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1 Comment

Thanks, Debbie for this honest article. I have not been married, but I have allowed myself to be emotionally abused over and over again in my relationships with men. I am really trying to own my own spirit now like you and not succumb to my desire to please to be loved again. I will keep reading your articles, since I find strength in them. Thank you so much.
Sarah P

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