I Don’t Want to Hold Your Hand


Sounds About Right:) 

Remember that moment. You know the one I’m talking about. When your cute adorable child that always held your hand, looks up and says…”do I gotta”?  “I don’t want to hold your hand mom, please”…”Are you embarrassed of me? “Um, no”…”It’s just” “never mind, I don’t want to talk about it”. “Well, if you’re sure that everything is okay”.  “Everything is fine mom”! “You kinda hurt my feelings but I do really understand”. 

This is a very normal conversation with a child heading into puberty.  I know this for sure.  My oldest will be 28 soon and my baby is 13.  I’ve seen the signs and have lived through it with both genders.  From my experience, girls are definitely a bit more challenging than boys.  They both have so many hormonal changes occurring within their bodies but girls get the double whammy.  Between the changes to the outside of their body and the internal ones, they have a challenge. 

One day they’re walking around like a normal kid and the next, they have to figure out how to wear these odd looking pads in their underwear.  If that’s not strange enough, try talking your daughter through the process of inserting a tampon.  Now, that’s comical.  Ohhhh, there are instructions!! But have you ever tried to follow some of that shit…It’s sooooo confusing.  It makes for some definite bonding with your daughter and you’ll have a good laugh together.  Ohhhh and don’t forget that her boobs are growing also.  You’ll have to encourage your daughter, who is very self conscious at this age to shop for bras.  Good luck with that and thank goodness for online shopping!!! That has truly made buying bras much easier and more comfortable for girls.  I never experienced weird moments like that with my son. Easy is the only word that comes to mind.  He just loved to play with his friends and ride his bike.  Puberty definitely wasn’t as dramatic for him as my girls. 

Both genders like to have a bit more independence during puberty and to have their alone time.  They are eager to show their parents that they can handle time away from them and their decision making skills are changing also.  I noticed this a lot especially with my younger daughter.  I was with her a lot more during this time than my older children.  She likes to take the initiative to bake alone now, to arrange sleepovers, to help find items at the grocery store, to shop alone with friends at the mall (of course I’m close by)…and she shares her own money with friends if shopping and they are low on cash.  These are wonderful changes but they fluctuate with her moods…She can be testy also and quick to question me with her new found confidence that tags along with puberty.  I believe that this attitude is reserved more for us parents.  If it’s another parent, they’re like sugar and spice.  But again, that’s puberty…they are changing and are going to test their limits to see how far they can go.  I find that a lot of love, patience, understanding, guidance, being a great listener, and having a sense of humor has truly helped me with my daughter.  

I always try to think back to my own experiences during puberty and remember how weird I felt sometimes…and alone…and scared…and this calms me during whatever is unraveling my daughter.  I also know that this stage of her life is momentary and like every else in life…it will be over with before we know it. 

Affair’s and Heartache

17 % of women in marital relationships have committed adultery while 25 % of men have had extra-marital affairs


I’ve been divorced now twice.  I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that both of my ex’s had a little something something going on… Affairs happen folks.  It honestly doesn’t matter  how good the blow jobs you’re giving or the interesting conversation.  If someone at their work is making them feel like a school boy or a school girl, you’re in trouble.  Neither of my previous ex’s were super great at cheating. 

My first husband decided to wait until I was on a military assignment and mess around.  When I arrived back at my home base, I got a lovely call from a husband that was yelling through the phone…”Your f*****g husband has been messing around with my wife”!!! I literally froze.  I had no idea what to say to this man.  I had just gotten home and was trying to sort my luggage items out from my deployment.  My stomach felt sick as he was speaking and my mind was on overload.  This coupled with the fact that my coming home was not by choice.  About a month into my Turkey assignment, I found out that I was pregnant.  The conditions there were not conducive for a pregnant woman.  We were living in what was called…Tent City…It was nothing but rows and rows of tents and the temperature at its highest was 118 degrees.  So, I had to come back home early…This return interrupted my ex’s little rendezvous’s I’m sure of that now…As I continued to listen and attempt to remain calm…I couldn’t focus on what this man was saying…I felt downright horrified.  It all made sense now.  Before I left on my deployment, my co worker’s wife had came to talk to me.  She worked with my ex at the airport in Frankfurt, Germany.  Her conversation was one of hesitancy.  She had a difficult time looking me in the eyes as she found the courage to broach the reason for her visit.  Finally, she just spit it out…”Your husband goes off with different women at work and doesn’t return for awhile”. “He flirts a lot and is very touchy”.  She went on to say that a lot of people at her work talked about his affairs.  She gave me a big hug and said how sorry she was to have had to bring me this news.  I thanked her for coming forth and said I had a lot of thinking to do..I did think and think and think…All of this thinking was making me paranoid.  I constantly found myself watching every movement and listening to every phone call he made.  I was freaking exhausted from playing private eye with my own husband. 

Leaving on my deployment was not easy.  I knew in my heart that she wouldn’t have came to me with a bullshit story just to upset me.  I was also a soldier and had a job to do.  Whatever was happening in my personal life just had to wait.  I shoved all of this down inside and went to Turkey…Coming back and receiving that call solidified what I knew in my heart now.  I had to confront my ex and he had a bad temper… To make a very long story short…my ex denied and denied any wrongdoing at his work or with this lady.  I did not like the situation but I had a new baby, a four year old, a lying cheater of a husband BUT was a soldier…I just had to breathe and keep my shit together…Our base in Germany closed down and forced a change of station that put us in North Dakota.  My trust in my marriage was gone and this caused a deep rift in our relationship.  I eventually left the military hoping that it might help us find a way back to each other..It didn’t..We continued to struggle for several more years.  It was during this time that I met the man who would be my second husband…

Let’s just say that this…he had one child, I had two…we didn’t blend.  Favoritism within a blended family never works and not wanting the other’s children doesn’t either.  From the get go, we were screwed.  I, myself did the stupidest thing ever and didn’t fight my ex for my kids.  After the military, I had worked as a court clerk processing divorce cases for several years.  I saw on a first hand basis how the children were torn apart when parents fought.  When we first separated, my ex was all about the kids being with me.  Our daughter was 13 at the time, a dancer and didn’t want to leave her home…I cringe now thinking back.  All of the decisions I made was just to get away from my ex.  I made horrible decisions based on that.  To say that I wasn’t in my right frame of mind would be accurate.  My ex became the biggest asshole.  His parents had money… I had none.  It was not a great situation and looking back, I should have taken my kids and ran.  Anyway, my second husband and I finally got custody after four years.  What a mess I created and I hurt my children in the process.  My current situation wasn’t great either…

My stepson and I got along so so.  He had been taken from his mom and the poor kid had his own shit.  His dad felt so much guilt from his pain that he constantly coddled him.  This of course…is my recollection.  I did feel like a third wheel most of the time we were together.  Our marriage did not start from a place of love.  I was pregnant and now know that’s the only reason he married me.  I found this out while we were living in the same house, going through our divorce.  I always felt in my heart that we were living on limited time with each other.  I had a difficult time with his favoring his son and not wanting my kids.  This was a source of a lot of contention between us.  Through all of this, we had this weird crazy love for each other too.  It was kinda bizarre.  We fought over kids and money mostly.  But we always managed to make up and still love each other.  It was well into our tenth year of marriage that he got his Ferrari.  I may be wrong but that car became his wife at some point.  He loved that piece of machinery more than he ever loved me.  He doted on that thing.  His job during this time was working for a body building company and I could tell he was changing.

I am a fitness fanatic..ask anyone that knows me.  It’s just part of my soul.  It was not part of his.  He had struggled with weight for years and loved his carbs.  I was a stay at home mom and took care of running our home…this also entailed doing his meals, his laundry, paying bills, being at his beck and call…I remember the lists he started bringing home of the 6 different meals he needed each day.  These would change weekly based on whatever he needed to manipulate his diet.  He also started working out like a maniac and printing exercise charts.  I remember vividly after work how he would stand in front of our full length mirror in his underwear posing to check out his physique.  I watched in disbelief all of this happen.  He started shopping at Hugo Boss and was dropping a ton of money on outfits made to wear on the front of GQ magazine.  I had always loved his chest hair and WILL never forget the day he SHAVED all of the hair off of his entire body…He was dropping weight and literally changing into a stranger in front of my eyes.  It was around this time that something else started happening.  He wasn’t leaving his phone lying around like he used to…His IPad password had been changed also.  I noticed that every time he placed his phone down, he would hit the side button to lock it.  My suspicions were revving up.  He would sit at the island in our kitchen like a depressed teenager scrolling through images on social media.  I finally couldn’t take it any longer and forced him to tell me what was going on.  He hemmed and hawed for days avoiding this conversation with me.  I finally got my answer on a Friday evening with him straddled backwards on a chair in our bedroom.  He looked very uncomfortable but eventually raised his head looking me in the eyes.. and said, “I don’t love you anymore”, ” I want a divorce”.  It wasn’t really a shock after what I had been witnessing but it still broke my heart…We brought our 11 year old daughter into our room and told her what was going to happen.  She had been feeling the tension in our home for weeks.  I could tell by the look on her face that she was scared.  This was not what she thought she was going to hear.  It took us over a year and half to finally to get our divorce.  That time was literally hell.  My daughter and I walked on eggshells around this teenage man.  He came and went as he wanted.  He was hanging out with younger women and younger men.  He had started smoking again and drinking..which he had never done.  I would watch him texting with these stupid looks on his face.  This person had become a stranger to me…I knew in my heart that it was a midlife crisis but it didn’t matter.  We were here.  All of our struggles that we had overcome with our children didn’t matter.  All of our dreams for our future out the window…He had become someone else and wanted someone else.  

I know now that he did cheat physically..even if it was JUST a kiss..it’s cheating…AND…if someone says we just text a lot and email…IT’S not cheating..ummmm…YES it is!! It’s WORSE..Emotional cheating bonds you with someone through commonalities.  You have something that interest you both and it keeps bringing you together.  I don’t care how someone cheats…if it’s happening, they’re giving someone else what they used to give you. 

Please know that this is my recollection of events.  My story..if my ex’s told their version, it would absolutely be different.  I wish nothing but the best for both of them.  Are there things that I would have done differently?  You BET your ASS!! But I can’t go back and change things.  I have to forgive myself and them so that our futures can be better.  Holding grudges turns us into a negative force and that’s not what I want.  I have children from both of these guys.  That means I will always have a part of these two individuals in my life.  If I hate that man, then I’m hating part of my child.  I can’t live like that.  Love and forgiveness will set us free. 




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Rear View Mirror and Abortion

I normally don’t allow myself to look back at past mistakes or choices that I’ve made.  Sometimes though, it’s as if I can feel my baby’s presence.  I know to those who’ve never had an abortion that this sounds ludicrous.  At the time I had mine, I knew in my heart that it was wrong.  It was like I was being torn into.  My human side that was so literally weak and insecure, just laid there praying that it would be over soon, while my soul screamed out to me to get my ass off of the table and bolt.

 My husband was 23 at the time and was adamant that he didn’t want a baby.  He gave me an ultimatum and I can not believe that I allowed him to bully me into killing our child.  The abortion was literally the worst thing that I’ve ever done in my life.  I cried for hours and hours afterwards.  I refused to allow my husband to touch me at all.  I was on my knees begging God and my baby to forgive me.  I remember how our dog sensed my pain and laid with me throughout the night.  The agony that I felt was the most gut wrenching twisted shit ever.  That’s the first time in my life that I ever truly wanted to kill another human.  It wasn’t just anger at my husband either.  I hated myself also.

Even now when I reflect back to the young, naive, weak, and self-esteem deprived girl that I was,  it saddens me.  I made a horrible mistake years ago.  I absolutely understand that there are horrific events that happen sometimes and an abortion is unavoidable.  However; if it’s just the timing, money or some other reason, please choose carefully.  This decision will stay with you for a lifetime and that baby won’t let you forget what you did.

Abortion Regret