I normally don’t allow myself to look back at past mistakes or choices that I’ve made. Sometimes though, it’s as if I can feel my baby’s presence. I know to those who’ve never had an abortion that this sounds ludicrous. At the time I had mine, I knew in my heart that it was wrong. It was like I was being torn into. My human side that was so literally weak and insecure, just laid there praying that it would be over soon, while my soul screamed out to me to get my ass off of the table and bolt.
My husband was 23 at the time and was adamant that he didn’t want a baby. He gave me an ultimatum and I can not believe that I allowed him to bully me into killing our child. The abortion was literally the worst thing that I’ve ever done in my life. I cried for hours and hours afterwards. I refused to allow my husband to touch me at all. I was on my knees begging God and my baby to forgive me. I remember how our dog sensed my pain and laid with me throughout the night. The agony that I felt was the most gut wrenching twisted shit ever. That’s the first time in my life that I ever truly wanted to kill another human. It wasn’t just anger at my husband either. I hated myself also.
Even now when I reflect back to the young, naive, weak, and self-esteem deprived girl that I was, it saddens me. I made a horrible mistake years ago. I absolutely understand that there are horrific events that happen sometimes and an abortion is unavoidable. However; if it’s just the timing, money or some other reason, please choose carefully. This decision will stay with you for a lifetime and that baby won’t let you forget what you did.