Finding Our Way

Sometimes, there’s part of me that just wants to say…”Fuck Life”.  I get down for a second but then realize that no matter what has been handed to me, I will find something that makes life matter.  Frustrations are part of breathing.  We all have day’s  that start out well but before you know it, that great feeling you had feels like your fucking head is going to explode.. I know this from experience.  I have read so many books that tell me to fight against going down the rabbit hole and on those days, I want to pick the fucking book up to shred it over a fireplace..

I honestly am a super positive person and constantly monitor my thought patterns.  It’s not something that I go around discussing with anyone but I do.  I will find myself reviewing what I am thinking and replaying that in my mind.  It may seem odd but I absolutely believe our brain is on auto pilot half the time.  Thoughts that we have are just replayed over and over.  I see it clearly and when I find this pattern, I automatically change the frequency to a more positive topic.  I am that weird person who is very aware of thoughts and is focused on finding the positive effect from any negative action.

My childhood as shitty as it was, something positive arose from it.  I do not believe that I would have been the same diligent hard working person that I am..I have a huge amount of gratitude for my life. I am blessed beyond belief and my ego ISN’T constantly wanting me to outsmart someone or belittle them to surpass them.  I recognize the importance of adversity and how it helps us grow…even though it hurts SOOOO BAD! I am human:) I know that overcoming hurdles encourages growth and am so very ready for some normalcy in my life.

If you read a bit about me on my About page, you know that I was a soldier for many years.  This part of my life gave me direction but still didn’t prevent me from aligning my life with a narcissist…My first marriage was bad from so many angles…I was slapped across a bed, held up against a wall choking, and plates of food thrown at me…there was more but I can’t go there.  Even through that, I always found the positive and that’s kinda sad.  I guess I must have been pretty weak as an individual to continue on and fight for what I thought was love.  I was a lost soul back then.  I fell in love with the idea of love.  I wanted to belong somewhere so bad and was willing to take whatever was dished out to me.  I do not fault that young woman looking back because she always found the positive within her situation.  

Now I’m not saying that to stay in an abusive situation is positive…Absolutely NOT!! No abuse is good!!! However, when you’re going through shit, no one is usually there with you.  If you can find any amount of positivity to help you survive..do it. I had friends and a boss that I eventually trusted and they helped me see that I deserved better.  It’s difficult when your self worth is so low and the treatment is bearable.  We make excuses because it’s easier to stay, than to change…

So many things in life happen to us and adversity will always be there. Whatever situation you are going through, I know finding that positive factor can help guide you through to better decisions.  I also know now that I shouldn’t have stayed for so long in my abusive marriage.  Were there things that I learned about myself and the opposite sex??? Of course!!! I think the most important thing that I learned…WAS about myself….I DESERVED BETTER, I’m NOT WEAK, No one OWNS me NOR DO I HAVE to SHUT UP when told to!!! And no one WILL EVER TOUCH me in an UNLOVING way AGAIN!!! If you’re living a life where you don’t feel safe, please know that this person will not change.  An abuser once…is an abuser always…

About the Author

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Single Mom, former USAF soldier, fitness instructor, personal trainer, loves life, loves people. My goal in life is to spread positivity and show others that there is a better way.

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