Recently I wrote an article on midlife at 50 and how one’s identity is tied up in relationships. I also touched on life during my divorce and how fucked up I feel. Just an exhausting time…
Honestly all of the changes that we experience in life are sometimes draining. I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way and it’s not just a divorce that tears us down. If you think about life, from the time we are born we are supposed to be loved by our parents and family. It’s unfortunate that not all of us get that and this will affect us in one form or another throughout our life. We will constantly be seeking attention.
Even celebrities…most of them are just people like you and me eagerly looking for acceptance. I don’t believe there is one person on this earth that is completely happy with themselves. We as a society constantly seem to be very unhappy. We want to be skinnier, prettier, bigger muscles, bigger boobs, plumped lips, more education, more money, ageless skin, larger dicks, tighter vaginas, eyes that don’t wrinkles, tighter asses, nicer cars, etc…the lists goes on and on. We have become a very superficial materialistic species… This does not help our self esteem that may already be super fragile. I know that I personally struggle with my own demons and my divorce definitely didn’t help.
I am dating now and that’s not so easy either. I find myself a bit needy and that’s just downright sad. I hate feeling this way. I want to be that strong woman that I know but sometimes I feel so lost. I am such a kind, caring and loving soul…and this is where it’s hard. I care deeply and fall quickly. I don’t hold back when I love someone and not everyone is like me. I tend to WANT back what I’m giving and then I get hurt. My self-esteem took a real nose dive during my divorce. NOW the moment that I don’t feel love coming back to me, I pull back. I sense what happened in my marriage will happen again. I know some of you go through these same feelings. It’s such a struggle to know when and who to give our hearts to. I don’t want to beg a person to love me either. I can’t even believe I’m saying this because it makes me feel pathetic and embarrassed to ever to feel so fucking needy. I also know that I’m stronger at times too, it just depends on how much love I’m receiving or not. I am a very affectionate soul and just love to be in love:) It makes me super happy to love someone and receive their love..that’s also part of being a Leo:)…I can’t change that part of me.
I deserve to be loved and I know this. My identity for almost 14 years was being a full time mom and wife. I was dedicated to being the best at both. I am trying not to be too hard on myself about my weaknesses. I will bounce back given time and will look back on this moment in my life recognizing that I was just growing again…we must have adversities to discover our real strengths.
Please reach out to me if you’re struggling with your own identity. I would love to chat.. We all have shit that makes us feel less than… Remember..Just because someone is wearing a smile…it doesn’t mean they’re not hurting inside…they’ve just perfected their cover up.