From my earliest memories as a child, I always wanted to belong to a loving family. My parents divorce left my siblings and I fending for ourselves most of my childhood. We knew that what we had been left with was not a loving situation. There was no tucking in at night, no bedtime stories, no family gatherings where love was spread around. This longing for a family was rooted inside each of us. This desire to belong has been part of my own personal journey to self discovery.
As an adult now, I’m very aware that I’m not alone with this longing. I’ve observed families that have these special relationships, as well as those that don’t. It’s very obvious that there is a warm energy that draws some families together, while others seem to struggle with the basic hug. It’s really kinda sad…At the center of any family structure is one basic need and that is LOVE. Looking back at my own childhood, it wasn’t there. I don’t believe that it ever was and this emptiness is something that I’ve personally chased a lifetime.
Just think about it. As a child, one’s whole existence for several years revolves around their parents and being anchored to that love. If we don’t get that from them, our main objective in life will be to find our validation somewhere. I have always found myself gravitating towards older motherly figures that might satisfy that longing I’ve had for a mom. The realization of what I was doing didn’t click until I was in my late 20’s. My maternal need would constantly rear its head when I met a warm loving motherly type. I couldn’t seem to control it either. It’s like my spirit had a radar detector for these women. It’s makes so much sense now. I was just seeking what I never got…
This longing for a foundation, a family, love…made me believe that marriage was the answer…It wasn’t…Again, I was looking for something that I didn’t get from my childhood…the love from a dad. I believed somehow that this person could magically give me all that I needed to feel whole…That just wasn’t the case…What I was seeking was already inside of me, it just hadn’t been nurtured.
My parents divorce really did leave us kids without supervision, guidance, structure, and love. All of this affected every feeling that I’ve ever had about myself…my self worth, my self-esteem, my confidence, my ambition…everything…It’s taken me years to actually look in the mirror and tell my reflection how much I love her. This is a very important healing technique that I’ve used and it has truly helped me see that I am special. I’m also aware that it doesn’t take anyone else to believe in me..just myself…Maybe if I had received the love and acceptance as a child, my decisions in life might have led me on a different journey…But as it is…I am stronger because of the adversities that I’ve had to overcome…No one needs to validate my worthiness now…
One last thing that I would like to add…Please… I can NOT stress enough to all fathers…if you have a daughter…please think about the way you want a man in the future to LOVE her…This will help guide you in your relationship with her. It’s the same for mothers and sons also. There’s no book that’s going to give you the exact answer on being the best parent. What I’ve learned from my own experience is children NEED our love, attention, patience, humor and so much more…If they get this, they have a better chance at feeling secure. When they close their eyes at night, they know that they’re safe, loved, important, valued and that no matter what happens..they’re not alone in this big world. That’s all that any of us want…is to belong.
My challenge for you all is to touch someone’s life. If you meet someone that seems lost, alone and unloved…Give them a hug, buy them a coffee, make a connection. The world is full of lost souls, don’t be afraid to make a difference in someone’s life. The love that you share with this person will spread to others…That’s the kind of world we need.