Some of my youngest memories as a young girl still have the ability to force a little puke right into the back of my throat. I can recall the comments that older male family members would make about how cute my ass looked in shorts. The fear that I felt as I walked by these men stayed with me for a very long time. Being molested definitely didn’t help how I began to feel about myself as I aged. I knew that I had a beautiful heart and soul, however; I had this awareness about men that others didn’t. I could feel their stares during my teen years and the lust from their glances made me cringe inside.
I was seventeen when I lost my virginity and it didn’t seem like a big deal. I think from years of being exposed to sexual comments and the other sickening things I was exposed to, I was just numb. If I was penetrated when I was molested, I managed to suppress those memories. I’m honestly not for sure if I know what true love feels like either. I do know the pure pleasure of having my body touched but since childhood, have confused this with someone loving me. I finally learned how to masturbate during my first marriage and this gave me a freedom that I had never possessed. I had always depended on a man’s touch to stimulate me sexually and those feelings would lead me to believe that he loved me.
I now know this is not love. I also know that I’m not the only woman that experiences this confusion between the vagina and the heart. I have been seeking love my entire life from a man and self love is truly what it comes down to. I have chosen wrong many times and it’s because I let my vagina confuse my heart, which is needy due to my lack of self love. I have decided not to be a playmate for men anymore. I deeply desire a wonderful friendship and absolutely lots of passionate sex that doesn’t revolve around my vagina. Men are playing games more than ever and that’s very frustrating when our vagina makes it easy for them. We women have a lot more power than we realize.
I know what happened to me as a child warped my sense of self love, and it’s taken years to learn how to truly love me.. I have never wanted to be just a vagina, but in this new dating world…I’ve never felt less respected as a woman. Men will pretend that they want to get to know you…You have those first texts, calls, a few coffee dates, maybe a dinner and then he’s ready for the sex. I’m unsure if men know how to treat us ladies like ladies anymore. Wanting to be loved and having someone in our lives makes it so very easy for many of us women to be used. Maybe we ladies don’t expect to be treated like ladies anymore though…I think about that too. Maybe our vagina’s should be a special place that can only be accessed by someone that has proven their love..not on some checklist and will immediately open after the man has checked off the four item.
My youngest daughter is now thirteen and I talk to her about her body, as well as sex. I have openly discussed buying her a vibrator when she’s older. I grew up without a mom and that’s partly why I was molested. I had no one to protect me. Even though I did have a father figure, he was never around. Society has always joked about how boys are just being boys while masturbating…I wish someone had made the effort to talk to me about my changing body and the power of my vagina. Learning how to masturbate might also help young girls realize they don’t need a boy to satisfy them. As a woman, I now feel much more empowered with my body and can protect myself. I finally understand that as a child, I was being manipulated by men and it was all about my vagina. I’m now a woman that has been hurt so many times through sex and I just wish the world could see that a woman is so much more than what’s between her legs.
We are beautiful sensual souls that bring forth life.