Trapped By NJ

Trapped may be the wrong word but it definitely feels that way.  Life is not something one can predict in any way shape or form.  I am one that takes each day as it is and tries so hard not to get in my head over my given situation.  I am human though and sometimes stepping back allows me a different perspective on the big picture. 

It’s kinda like learning to drive when the your instructor tells you to take in everything that you are seeing…in front, from the side and to the rear.  I see my life in front of me, to the side and in the past.  I obviously didn’t plan on getting stuck in the middle of an intersection trying to decide which way to go.  Life just happens many times and throws us off the course we were comfortable with..I have written articles on my divorce and how it has impacted my life.  It’s all good really.  I can’t sit and whine about my beautiful home, nor the fact that I have my lovely daughter along my journey.  But…the property taxes I am trapped by…I can whine about!!!

Whatever you do…Please don’t move to New Jersey!  I have no family here, nor do I plan on staying past 4 more years when my daughter graduates from High School.  This state literally is the most expensive place that I have ever lived and that includes Europe.  I feel sickened when I write out my mortgage payment that was 4177…that has now increased to 4400.  It’s not even the mortgage company that is causing me discomfort.  It’s the state of NJ!!!!  My property taxes are right at 24,000 a year and that’s the real issue.  Yes, it’s my fault for trying to give my daughter some stability for her life.  Her dad moved us 6 times in 12 years and I truly didn’t want to do that to her again.  I just can’t wrap my head around these property taxes here.  I feel so sick.  It’s not like NJ is the most beautiful place to live…If this isn’t enough to be sickened by…the new tax LAW literally just made me throw up.

Anything over 10,000…you can’t write off in NJ on the property taxes!!! This is a new tax law and so many people are going to need to bend over and literally take it up the ass.  I hate this feeling of being trapped.  I try so hard to please my 14 yr old daughter and now this.  I just can’t win.  My ex has moved out of state to Chicago and has no clue what he left me to deal with.  I struggle daily with the thought of  selling my home, which really won’t be easy now.  How many people want a home with these property taxes that they can’t claim?  I know that I am not the only person that feels this way in Jersey.  I truly don’t understand how they expect anyone to live here.  I will struggle for my daughter so that she can have her friends and the comfort that our home affords us..but I will eventually walk away from this material thing that I’ve called home that has trapped me.  If you are even thinking of moving to NJ…do your research.  This state is a trap and not one that you can easily walk away from.

More Than a Vagina

Some of my youngest memories as a young girl still have the ability to force a little puke right into the back of my throat.  I can recall the comments that older male family members would make about how cute my ass looked in shorts. The fear that I felt as I walked by these men stayed with me for a very long time.  Being molested definitely didn’t help how I began to feel about myself as I aged.  I knew that I had a beautiful heart and soul, however; I had this awareness about men that others didn’t.  I could feel their stares during my teen years and the lust from their glances made me cringe inside.

I was seventeen when I lost my virginity and it didn’t seem like a big deal.  I think from years of being exposed to sexual comments and the other sickening things I was exposed to, I was just numb.  If I was penetrated when I was molested, I managed to suppress those memories.  I’m honestly not for sure if I know what true love feels like either.  I do know the pure pleasure of having my body touched but since childhood, have confused this with someone loving me.  I finally learned how to masturbate during my first marriage and this gave me a freedom that I had never possessed.  I had always depended on a man’s touch to stimulate me sexually and those feelings would lead me to believe that he loved me.

I now know this is not love.  I also know that I’m not the only woman that experiences this confusion between the vagina and the heart.  I have been seeking love my entire life from a man and self love is truly what it comes down to.  I have chosen wrong many times and it’s because I let my vagina confuse my heart, which is needy due to my lack of self love.  I have decided not to be a playmate for men anymore.  I deeply desire a wonderful friendship and absolutely lots of passionate sex that doesn’t revolve around my vagina.  Men are playing games more than ever and that’s very frustrating when our vagina makes it easy for them.  We women have a lot more power than we realize.

 I know what happened to me as a child warped my sense of self love, and it’s taken years to learn how to truly love me..  I have never wanted to be just a vagina, but in this new dating world…I’ve never felt less respected as a woman.  Men will pretend that they want to get to know you…You have those first texts, calls, a few coffee dates, maybe a dinner and then he’s ready for the sex.  I’m unsure if men know how to treat us ladies like ladies anymore.  Wanting to be loved and having someone in our lives makes it so very easy for many of us women to be used.  Maybe we ladies don’t expect to be treated like ladies anymore though…I think about that too.  Maybe our vagina’s should be a special place that can only be accessed by someone that has proven their love..not on some checklist and will immediately open after the man has checked off the four item.

My youngest daughter is now thirteen and I talk to her about her body, as well as sex.  I have openly discussed buying her a vibrator when she’s older.  I grew up without a mom and that’s partly why I was molested.  I had no one to protect me.  Even though I did have a father figure, he was never around.  Society has always joked about how boys are just being boys while masturbating…I wish someone had made the effort to talk to me about my changing body and the power of my vagina.  Learning how to masturbate might also help young girls realize they don’t need a boy to satisfy them.  As a woman, I now feel much more empowered with my body and can protect myself.  I finally understand that as a child, I was being manipulated by men and it was all about my vagina.  I’m now a woman that has been hurt so many times through sex and I just wish the world could see that a woman is so much more than what’s between her legs.

We are beautiful sensual souls that bring forth life.

Feminism, Chicks Killing Chilvary

And Ladies, the men are listening. There may be a few left that are still old fashioned, respectful, and fighting this new feminist world. But, rest assured…most have have adapted to this ideology where many women have roared that we don’t need them…

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A Mother’s Worth

Now it’s almost an embarrassment to say that being a mom and wife are your only jobs.

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It’s in the Eyes

Compassion heals and remember…Our eyes are leading the way.      

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Youtube, Oprah and Me

“do I do anything now with my life with intention.”

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Are You Emotionally Unavailable

I don’t believe that we intentionally want to hurt the people that love us either..

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Our Desire to Belong

I am stronger because of the adversities that I’ve had to overcome…

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Are We Nothing but Lost Souls

All that we have are connections on a device that tell us if we’re liked or not…

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Porn, Monogamy’s Competition

Is loving one person for the rest of your life possible anymore? I’m not sure.  I have no idea if Monogamy exists for an extended period of time in our current world.  It’s really scary putting oneself back out in this crazy cesspool. There’s as many dating websites as porn sites.  I used to think marriage was a sacred covenant and could withstand anything.  Now, I’m not sure of anything.

It’s not that you can’t find someone to date…it’s the scary reality that they’re probably chatting up 10 different people as well.  They can be texting you at the same time they’re messaging someone else on social media.  I don’t know about anyone else, but that’s fucking scary.  How is anyone ever supposed to trust anyone?  I know, I know..I hate to be the Debbie Downer but it’s like Whitney Houston..”How Will I Know”..we want to be loved but that’s difficult without trust.

As genders go, we are very different… men…well that’s easy..they’re horny and visual.  Women…want to feel loved and wanted…If a woman doesn’t get enough love, she may eventually venture on to a dating website seeking attention..If a man isn’t getting enough sex, he can find it instantaneously. Webcams are out there with young hot women just waiting for an opportunity to chat with your man.  They will do things that are honestly downright sad. It’s truly disturbing that these young women think it’s appropriate to have live sex through a webcam with men over half their age.  When will we women RISE UP and stop CHOOSING OBJECTIFICATION by men!!!  No one is forcing these young women to do these acts, this is their choice:(  I honestly think this stems partially from girls that didn’t get enough attention from their fathers and now have the unfortunate Daddy Issue syndrome. Just my thoughts..Sometimes, it just doesn’t matter if both parties are happy in the relationship either ..the fantasy for something new and exciting is so easily attainable.  That’s our new world..instant gratification..

Our family structure in America has greatly diminished over time and this has certainly affected both sexes. Divorce rates are skyrocketing and there are a lot of children growing up without parents around to love them.  This is not helping them feel wanted or loved at home.  As they reach puberty, they need a lot of love to save them from these horrible avenues.  It’s an unfortunate realization that our children are also being exposed to porn and this IS affecting their relationships.  I have heard horror stories of what boys expect now because of viewing porn…They think girls should be doing certain things on dates and should look a certain way naked…I don’t know about you all but this scares me as a mom to a young daughter..We all know that most porn is an act…someone faking for the camera…but these boys don’t know this …Having sex at a younger age NOW is NOT uncommon.  It’s becoming more the norm.

We all have the additional pressures from social media.  This constant need to stay connected has impacted everyone’s life.  Our family time is now interrupted by a persistent beep or buzzing sound.  Children that once paid attention to parents,  are now sidetracked by an app calling their name or a snap chat request.  Partners that once spent valuable time together may find themselves surfing Instagram, Facebook, Snap Chat or on dating websites looking at the singles…and before long that loving relationship that was thriving is dying.. If any couple is going to make it in this crazy world, daily cuddles and lots of laughter together will help. Also, don’t be afraid to talk about each other’s fantasy’s…it may help you grow as a couple and ward off future entertaining thoughts that may destroy what you have.

  As a parent, I do believe that the uncomfortable conversations about porn have to be had…It’s not IF they’re watching it..We HAVE put IT in their hands…They’re smarter than we ever were, computer savvy, and it’s up to us to educate them on what porn really is…Embrace the power of being a parent.