More Than a Vagina

Some of my youngest memories as a young girl still have the ability to force a little puke right into the back of my throat.  I can recall the comments that older male family members would make about how cute my ass looked in shorts. The fear that I felt as I walked by these men stayed with me for a very long time.  Being molested definitely didn’t help how I began to feel about myself as I aged.  I knew that I had a beautiful heart and soul, however; I had this awareness about men that others didn’t.  I could feel their stares during my teen years and the lust from their glances made me cringe inside.

I was seventeen when I lost my virginity and it didn’t seem like a big deal.  I think from years of being exposed to sexual comments and the other sickening things I was exposed to, I was just numb.  If I was penetrated when I was molested, I managed to suppress those memories.  I’m honestly not for sure if I know what true love feels like either.  I do know the pure pleasure of having my body touched but since childhood, have confused this with someone loving me.  I finally learned how to masturbate during my first marriage and this gave me a freedom that I had never possessed.  I had always depended on a man’s touch to stimulate me sexually and those feelings would lead me to believe that he loved me.

I now know this is not love.  I also know that I’m not the only woman that experiences this confusion between the vagina and the heart.  I have been seeking love my entire life from a man and self love is truly what it comes down to.  I have chosen wrong many times and it’s because I let my vagina confuse my heart, which is needy due to my lack of self love.  I have decided not to be a playmate for men anymore.  I deeply desire a wonderful friendship and absolutely lots of passionate sex that doesn’t revolve around my vagina.  Men are playing games more than ever and that’s very frustrating when our vagina makes it easy for them.  We women have a lot more power than we realize.

 I know what happened to me as a child warped my sense of self love, and it’s taken years to learn how to truly love me..  I have never wanted to be just a vagina, but in this new dating world…I’ve never felt less respected as a woman.  Men will pretend that they want to get to know you…You have those first texts, calls, a few coffee dates, maybe a dinner and then he’s ready for the sex.  I’m unsure if men know how to treat us ladies like ladies anymore.  Wanting to be loved and having someone in our lives makes it so very easy for many of us women to be used.  Maybe we ladies don’t expect to be treated like ladies anymore though…I think about that too.  Maybe our vagina’s should be a special place that can only be accessed by someone that has proven their love..not on some checklist and will immediately open after the man has checked off the four item.

My youngest daughter is now thirteen and I talk to her about her body, as well as sex.  I have openly discussed buying her a vibrator when she’s older.  I grew up without a mom and that’s partly why I was molested.  I had no one to protect me.  Even though I did have a father figure, he was never around.  Society has always joked about how boys are just being boys while masturbating…I wish someone had made the effort to talk to me about my changing body and the power of my vagina.  Learning how to masturbate might also help young girls realize they don’t need a boy to satisfy them.  As a woman, I now feel much more empowered with my body and can protect myself.  I finally understand that as a child, I was being manipulated by men and it was all about my vagina.  I’m now a woman that has been hurt so many times through sex and I just wish the world could see that a woman is so much more than what’s between her legs.

We are beautiful sensual souls that bring forth life.

Feminism, Chicks Killing Chilvary

And Ladies, the men are listening. There may be a few left that are still old fashioned, respectful, and fighting this new feminist world. But, rest assured…most have have adapted to this ideology where many women have roared that we don’t need them…

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A Mother’s Worth

Now it’s almost an embarrassment to say that being a mom and wife are your only jobs.

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It’s in the Eyes

Compassion heals and remember…Our eyes are leading the way.      

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Youtube, Oprah and Me

“do I do anything now with my life with intention.”

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Are You Emotionally Unavailable

I don’t believe that we intentionally want to hurt the people that love us either..

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Our Desire to Belong

I am stronger because of the adversities that I’ve had to overcome…

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Are We Nothing but Lost Souls

All that we have are connections on a device that tell us if we’re liked or not…

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Porn, Monogamy’s Competition

Is loving one person for the rest of your life possible anymore? I’m not sure.  I have no idea if Monogamy exists for an extended period of time in our current world.  It’s really scary putting oneself back out in this crazy cesspool. There’s as many dating websites as porn sites.  I used to think marriage was a sacred covenant and could withstand anything.  Now, I’m not sure of anything.

It’s not that you can’t find someone to date…it’s the scary reality that they’re probably chatting up 10 different people as well.  They can be texting you at the same time they’re messaging someone else on social media.  I don’t know about anyone else, but that’s fucking scary.  How is anyone ever supposed to trust anyone?  I know, I know..I hate to be the Debbie Downer but it’s like Whitney Houston..”How Will I Know”..we want to be loved but that’s difficult without trust.

As genders go, we are very different… men…well that’s easy..they’re horny and visual.  Women…want to feel loved and wanted…If a woman doesn’t get enough love, she may eventually venture on to a dating website seeking attention..If a man isn’t getting enough sex, he can find it instantaneously. Webcams are out there with young hot women just waiting for an opportunity to chat with your man.  They will do things that are honestly downright sad. It’s truly disturbing that these young women think it’s appropriate to have live sex through a webcam with men over half their age.  When will we women RISE UP and stop CHOOSING OBJECTIFICATION by men!!!  No one is forcing these young women to do these acts, this is their choice:(  I honestly think this stems partially from girls that didn’t get enough attention from their fathers and now have the unfortunate Daddy Issue syndrome. Just my thoughts..Sometimes, it just doesn’t matter if both parties are happy in the relationship either ..the fantasy for something new and exciting is so easily attainable.  That’s our new world..instant gratification..

Our family structure in America has greatly diminished over time and this has certainly affected both sexes. Divorce rates are skyrocketing and there are a lot of children growing up without parents around to love them.  This is not helping them feel wanted or loved at home.  As they reach puberty, they need a lot of love to save them from these horrible avenues.  It’s an unfortunate realization that our children are also being exposed to porn and this IS affecting their relationships.  I have heard horror stories of what boys expect now because of viewing porn…They think girls should be doing certain things on dates and should look a certain way naked…I don’t know about you all but this scares me as a mom to a young daughter..We all know that most porn is an act…someone faking for the camera…but these boys don’t know this …Having sex at a younger age NOW is NOT uncommon.  It’s becoming more the norm.

We all have the additional pressures from social media.  This constant need to stay connected has impacted everyone’s life.  Our family time is now interrupted by a persistent beep or buzzing sound.  Children that once paid attention to parents,  are now sidetracked by an app calling their name or a snap chat request.  Partners that once spent valuable time together may find themselves surfing Instagram, Facebook, Snap Chat or on dating websites looking at the singles…and before long that loving relationship that was thriving is dying.. If any couple is going to make it in this crazy world, daily cuddles and lots of laughter together will help. Also, don’t be afraid to talk about each other’s fantasy’s…it may help you grow as a couple and ward off future entertaining thoughts that may destroy what you have.

  As a parent, I do believe that the uncomfortable conversations about porn have to be had…It’s not IF they’re watching it..We HAVE put IT in their hands…They’re smarter than we ever were, computer savvy, and it’s up to us to educate them on what porn really is…Embrace the power of being a parent. 


I Don’t Want to Hold Your Hand


Sounds About Right:) 

Remember that moment. You know the one I’m talking about. When your cute adorable child that always held your hand, looks up and says…”do I gotta”?  “I don’t want to hold your hand mom, please”…”Are you embarrassed of me? “Um, no”…”It’s just” “never mind, I don’t want to talk about it”. “Well, if you’re sure that everything is okay”.  “Everything is fine mom”! “You kinda hurt my feelings but I do really understand”. 

This is a very normal conversation with a child heading into puberty.  I know this for sure.  My oldest will be 28 soon and my baby is 13.  I’ve seen the signs and have lived through it with both genders.  From my experience, girls are definitely a bit more challenging than boys.  They both have so many hormonal changes occurring within their bodies but girls get the double whammy.  Between the changes to the outside of their body and the internal ones, they have a challenge. 

One day they’re walking around like a normal kid and the next, they have to figure out how to wear these odd looking pads in their underwear.  If that’s not strange enough, try talking your daughter through the process of inserting a tampon.  Now, that’s comical.  Ohhhh, there are instructions!! But have you ever tried to follow some of that shit…It’s sooooo confusing.  It makes for some definite bonding with your daughter and you’ll have a good laugh together.  Ohhhh and don’t forget that her boobs are growing also.  You’ll have to encourage your daughter, who is very self conscious at this age to shop for bras.  Good luck with that and thank goodness for online shopping!!! That has truly made buying bras much easier and more comfortable for girls.  I never experienced weird moments like that with my son. Easy is the only word that comes to mind.  He just loved to play with his friends and ride his bike.  Puberty definitely wasn’t as dramatic for him as my girls. 

Both genders like to have a bit more independence during puberty and to have their alone time.  They are eager to show their parents that they can handle time away from them and their decision making skills are changing also.  I noticed this a lot especially with my younger daughter.  I was with her a lot more during this time than my older children.  She likes to take the initiative to bake alone now, to arrange sleepovers, to help find items at the grocery store, to shop alone with friends at the mall (of course I’m close by)…and she shares her own money with friends if shopping and they are low on cash.  These are wonderful changes but they fluctuate with her moods…She can be testy also and quick to question me with her new found confidence that tags along with puberty.  I believe that this attitude is reserved more for us parents.  If it’s another parent, they’re like sugar and spice.  But again, that’s puberty…they are changing and are going to test their limits to see how far they can go.  I find that a lot of love, patience, understanding, guidance, being a great listener, and having a sense of humor has truly helped me with my daughter.  

I always try to think back to my own experiences during puberty and remember how weird I felt sometimes…and alone…and scared…and this calms me during whatever is unraveling my daughter.  I also know that this stage of her life is momentary and like every else in life…it will be over with before we know it.